How covid 19 changed my outlook On life

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For me, a life-altering event was just about inevitable; but honestly I had no idea that things would get so damn crazy for me and ultimately the world would never be the same.

Regardless to the numerous conspiracy theories out there about the COVID 19 Epidemic and whether it was the aftermath of 5G or Chinese bats, one thing I can say is that the world has all but went Bat Shit Crazy and we are all left wondering if we can locate toilet paper. This time is what I needed, it’s what YOU needed and what the world was in dire NEED of. A reset.

I’ve been super intentional about re-committing myself back to my hearts desires, my dreams and my professional goals; all while mothering 3 babies I might add. My last post was so long ago that I feel like I had lost my love of writing. In my frustration, I just plummeting into all my unfinished work, looking to “make things right,” with myself.

Then it “clicked” for me, Let’s me try to love myself as hard as I love everybody else.

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Fall of 2019 was just about as trifling as this spring therefore after a tumultuous breakup and a car accident that left my car totaled, and my emotions completely throttled, I took up journaling again, started going to a new gym and returned back to some of my most healthiest habits in order to feel some kind of control again.

It was just what I needed because after dedicating myself to a planner for bills, a prayer journal to get my deepest prayers off my heart and into the universe and a file holder to make some sense of the mountains of paperwork that was overtaking my room I finally light and free and well on my way to healing.

A few things hit pretty hard, with the passing of my namesake, best friend and a woman that was so dear to my spirit, my grandmother Bobbie. Picking up the pieces of my heart and learning how to forgive myself and love again has been the most taxing changes of it all. Enrolling back in school to finish my degree and getting a few “no’s” and some awesomely satisfying “yeses,” I’m learning that patience really is a virtue and we all will have our TIME.

There’s always so much to say, however, I want to leave you all with this. Life is for the living. Love is for the lovers. Never give up on it, never push it away out of fear of the unknown.

Enjoy the content people! Stay safe and press on.

Playing By The Rules

green and white wall plaque
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I can easily go back to the 17 year-old-me, she was care-free, yet responsible. She was silly, yet very no-nonsense when it came to “boundaries,” she set for her life and was stubborn, hellbent even, to maintain the purity of them. I love that girl, and she’s still there at my core; however I’ve had to realize some serious truths in the past 10 years, that just might help me to get through the next 50.

The world tells you we need to have skirted through high school without any babies, college with all your degrees, early- mid 20’s with some kind of long-term loving passionate type of love and by 30, a couple of children and a fulfilling marriage; with the career and home to boot.

No one ever prepares you to the abnormalities of life, like there’s no book that tells you that your gonna be heartbroken one day, or many days, months or years; that you may have to carry the weight of single motherhood, or that a marriage will fail and there’s nothing you can do to stop it because who you chose didn’t choose you.

I think we as women have been so conditioned to “play by the rules” in life that we set the standards for ourselves and break our backs to maintain them, even though everything is screaming that it’s not lining up. It seems that in pursuit of these “goals,” we lose more and more of that innocence of our youth.

At times we even give up! Thinking that there’s no use of continuing on lying to ourselves and continue to settle in life, love and learning. I’m a living testimony that sometimes it’s not you! It is simply not the season for your harvest! It will come, and it will be fruitful then ever before. You just gotta know it.

I personally experience highs and lows, coming down from a stressful relationship; looking to find my footing in my own skin. While my heart is know longer open for that significant other, attempting to fill their void I find that I had an experience of complete creativity. Music, Writing, Dreams and all other manner of expression just begin to connect again.

This is why I know that whom ever mate you choose must be aligned with your path and purpose, because otherwise they will drag on your very existence. I know this to be true, it’s like mathematics; everything has to balance out. You have to know that the balance is what creates the peace, so forcing an unhealthy energetic bond with someone (No matter the love you feel for them), will only equal up to an  imbalance for you. Which is a terrible way to live.

Patience is so important and much needed for healing. So if you get a scrape you know it’ll be atleast a week for the healing to be complete and up to a month to remove the scar. It’s the same for your heart. This healing begins with accepting the process and letting go; when you do the healing is so much more swift and happiness is soon to follow.

There’s something about new life; little babies and small children that help super charge your life and happiness. They are there for you, sent to you from the divine. So most certainly they have love unlocked and ready to pour over everything that hurts. Naturally they want to see you smile and be innocent like them so don’t resist them. Soak up all the love that they give freely.

I’ve had moments in my experience where I’ve questioned myself. Maybe I didn’t do enough to show then I loved them? May I should have screamed in the top of my lungs and tried to save them from themselves? Maybe I should have never even responded at all? Guilt is a no-go! It will suck your soul from you! You either are for someone or you’re not. If you belong to someone, they will never leave you in a state of uncertainty about what you mean to them. Remember that!

Lastly, forgive yourself! A loving mate is not looking to belittle or investigate; uncover or infiltrate. Love is just that, so therefore no innocent person is anticipating being lied to or betrayed. Let all the details go and just focus on the love. No one can get take the love from you. That, you can do something with. Don’t stop being beautiful just because somebody treated you ugly. Still be you and things will align themselves so that you are with someone who appreciates all that you are and will help you to heal and grow to discover your true self!

with Love

B

30 Days with a Newborn and Other Musings

So, what usually happens is that I go through a horrendous dry spell; and then all the sudden my words are spilling everywhere. All those student loans will start paying off any second now. Just a heads up, as much as these articles should have just as much structure in my mind as they do on this page I realize that I am now a mother of three…and well structure, that’s gonna have to come with time, as I have just recently downloaded some brain cells that I’m sure my newborn borrowed from me. A little fuzzy too, I might add! Enjoy the ride! Also, for those who have enjoyed my writings and feel abandoned, I promise I have some things in the works that will make those thoughts non-existent. Much Love,

B

P.S. This should be WAY longer, except I just had to sneak in a shower and i managed to put on clothes that match! Now, I’m about to jump back into a feeding session. I’m doing GOOD today y’all.