Loving Me: Confession of an empath

In my mind this posting was going to be hard to write. I imagined myself chewing on my long overdue French manicure looking to figure out how to properly convey where I was in my life. Then something funny happened! I started going back to every time I pulled a piece of my heart like mortar attempting to patch up another person I felt was broken. From my best friends, my family and my lovers; a common thread of selflessness that permeated every relationship. As I got older I figured out a way to convince myself that this was simply how I was wired. I mean, If I could so clearly see the love that people needed and could coach them through their trauma, I could save them from themselves right?

I never quite understood the depth of my calling until now, I really did think I was a strange person to see so deeply into the human condition and be brave enough to try to heal it within each person I was able to share time with; now I’m seeing that in my innocence and growth, maybe even naivety that it was okay to go through this trial and error.

Now they have names for people who can “feel all the feels,” they call them empaths and light workers amongst other names, but all I knew was that being this way hurt. Like the more I gave the more I could feel my heart beginning to feel like it was breaking. Feeling all this heartbreak and unwholesomeness within some of the people I loved so much I just wanted to ease the pain.

Throughout the course of my 29 years I’d hear chilling testimonies from women and men alike that would confide in me about their childhood abuses and blockages; bravely showing me their demons to slay so I obliged. It got to the point where I didn’t know what it felt like to be alone as people would come into my life just to feel whatever healing they could and sooner or later we’d meet an impasse  in which they could no longer take the feeling of transparency that was required to be with me.

One day I discovered that it was a “nakedness,” that I emitted that only made people see themselves so clearly that they were inspired (from wanting to see), or utterly repulsed. These responses I never understood but still, I was happy to help, happy to heal and add to them even if the only way I could be added to was through deep spiritual meditation and prayer.

Something happened to me… Maybe it was my life coming full circle, gaining in on my 30th year of life?

However, I finally felt like myself. Like in my skin again and of course it had been so long that I just laughed and laughed. Had I left a part of myself somewhere for safe keeping? Had I been lost and finally found myself? I wondered these things, but one thing was for certain…I had never been alone. In college, I had always had some type of suitor or beau, filling space so I wouldn’t be able to focus on the task at hand…Me.

Even as I got older I smoothly transitioned from one toxic relationship to the other attempting to fix my mate and make him see the light, depression was always shortly there after and then another. Then another and another crazier than the one before. As though the universe wasn’t speaking loud enough I found myself in cycles of emotional and border line physical abuse. I took myself through mountainous high and oceanic lows and yet again, I’d make another attempt that would fail terrible.

One day I started asking myself why! One day it hit me so clearly, I did not ever want to be hurt or disappointed, so I chose people I knew were broken so that maybe out of gratitude they would spare me but they never did. THEY NEVER DID! The only thing that would greet me was a passive and sometimes outright kind of resentment for being the one that could love them despite their flaws. It was like a punishment. Like how dare you see me so clear and try to fix me. I really had no right because the first thing in therapy is to establish that your patient is willing to go through it.  

I can recall pushing away beautiful and capable men because I did not know how to fix them and that fear made me think that they could possible hurt me more by playing on an even field.

One day I had to diagnose myself and just stop enabling myself, I didn’t want to look up and realize that I had missed all of their formative years pursuing a mate, that may or may not have even been fully vested in a true companionship because I had to fix something or someone to feel competent.

So the truth is, I could be happy and married with kids instead of a single mom, but I refused to relinquish control because every time I did I was betrayed. You must ask yourself the real questions to get the real answers. And this was what I wanted to finally figure out. Why I had to be in control of everything in order to be in love.

The most interesting thing to me is how we find a way to justify our own blockages. I am coming into a true understanding of divine timing, forgiving myself and finally attending to myself as a whole being, attending to my children before they get older and always remember me being depressed and sad.

Feeling joyful for the things I’m passionate about, my music, my writing, my time and what I do with it. Feeling joyful to have a career that causes me to be free and happy and heal young people in a setting that’s appropriate instead of “bringing my patients home with me,” which was one of the worst things I could have ever done.

I hope this resonates with someone, however, you’re not selfish for loving YOU. Until the right individual come into your life to reciprocate. You don’t have to find a filler until that time. I used to feel uneasy if I wasn’t in a relationship, I felt like It felt to good to enjoy my own company, not have any one to cry or stress about. But the most beautiful thing to do for someone who gives so much to others is to hug yourself and give yourself space to exist on your own terms, so you can work on yourself and when that time comes, the people who are worthy of your energy will see the work you put in to be your truest self.

Top 5 Super Easy Hairstyles for Girls with Curls!

For a Sleek and smooth style all you needs is a Good Curl Custard, Hair Pomade and/or edge control, finishing brush and a rat Tail comb. be sure to tie the hair down after to set the style.

  1. Plaits and Braids.
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Curls!!!! Plaits!!! Yay!!!😃

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2. 8 Curly Plaits

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3. 3 Parts w/ Minibuns

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3 Piece

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4. 4 Parts and Twists

5. Braided Crowns w. Heart Buns

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Double goddess Braids with ❤️ Bun.

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How covid 19 changed my outlook On life

Photo by Miguel Á. Padriñán on Pexels.com

For me, a life-altering event was just about inevitable; but honestly I had no idea that things would get so damn crazy for me and ultimately the world would never be the same.

Regardless to the numerous conspiracy theories out there about the COVID 19 Epidemic and whether it was the aftermath of 5G or Chinese bats, one thing I can say is that the world has all but went Bat Shit Crazy and we are all left wondering if we can locate toilet paper. This time is what I needed, it’s what YOU needed and what the world was in dire NEED of. A reset.

I’ve been super intentional about re-committing myself back to my hearts desires, my dreams and my professional goals; all while mothering 3 babies I might add. My last post was so long ago that I feel like I had lost my love of writing. In my frustration, I just plummeting into all my unfinished work, looking to “make things right,” with myself.

Then it “clicked” for me, Let’s me try to love myself as hard as I love everybody else.

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Fall of 2019 was just about as trifling as this spring therefore after a tumultuous breakup and a car accident that left my car totaled, and my emotions completely throttled, I took up journaling again, started going to a new gym and returned back to some of my most healthiest habits in order to feel some kind of control again.

It was just what I needed because after dedicating myself to a planner for bills, a prayer journal to get my deepest prayers off my heart and into the universe and a file holder to make some sense of the mountains of paperwork that was overtaking my room I finally light and free and well on my way to healing.

A few things hit pretty hard, with the passing of my namesake, best friend and a woman that was so dear to my spirit, my grandmother Bobbie. Picking up the pieces of my heart and learning how to forgive myself and love again has been the most taxing changes of it all. Enrolling back in school to finish my degree and getting a few “no’s” and some awesomely satisfying “yeses,” I’m learning that patience really is a virtue and we all will have our TIME.

There’s always so much to say, however, I want to leave you all with this. Life is for the living. Love is for the lovers. Never give up on it, never push it away out of fear of the unknown.

Enjoy the content people! Stay safe and press on.