In my mind this posting was going to be hard to write. I imagined myself chewing on my long overdue French manicure looking to figure out how to properly convey where I was in my life. Then something funny happened! I started going back to every time I pulled a piece of my heart like mortar attempting to patch up another person I felt was broken. From my best friends, my family and my lovers; a common thread of selflessness that permeated every relationship. As I got older I figured out a way to convince myself that this was simply how I was wired. I mean, If I could so clearly see the love that people needed and could coach them through their trauma, I could save them from themselves right?
I never quite understood the depth of my calling until now, I really did think I was a strange person to see so deeply into the human condition and be brave enough to try to heal it within each person I was able to share time with; now I’m seeing that in my innocence and growth, maybe even naivety that it was okay to go through this trial and error.
Now they have names for people who can “feel all the feels,” they call them empaths and light workers amongst other names, but all I knew was that being this way hurt. Like the more I gave the more I could feel my heart beginning to feel like it was breaking. Feeling all this heartbreak and unwholesomeness within some of the people I loved so much I just wanted to ease the pain.
Throughout the course of my 29 years I’d hear chilling testimonies from women and men alike that would confide in me about their childhood abuses and blockages; bravely showing me their demons to slay so I obliged. It got to the point where I didn’t know what it felt like to be alone as people would come into my life just to feel whatever healing they could and sooner or later we’d meet an impasse in which they could no longer take the feeling of transparency that was required to be with me.
One day I discovered that it was a “nakedness,” that I emitted that only made people see themselves so clearly that they were inspired (from wanting to see), or utterly repulsed. These responses I never understood but still, I was happy to help, happy to heal and add to them even if the only way I could be added to was through deep spiritual meditation and prayer.
Something happened to me… Maybe it was my life coming full circle, gaining in on my 30th year of life?
However, I finally felt like myself. Like in my skin again and of course it had been so long that I just laughed and laughed. Had I left a part of myself somewhere for safe keeping? Had I been lost and finally found myself? I wondered these things, but one thing was for certain…I had never been alone. In college, I had always had some type of suitor or beau, filling space so I wouldn’t be able to focus on the task at hand…Me.
Even as I got older I smoothly transitioned from one toxic relationship to the other attempting to fix my mate and make him see the light, depression was always shortly there after and then another. Then another and another crazier than the one before. As though the universe wasn’t speaking loud enough I found myself in cycles of emotional and border line physical abuse. I took myself through mountainous high and oceanic lows and yet again, I’d make another attempt that would fail terrible.
One day I started asking myself why! One day it hit me so clearly, I did not ever want to be hurt or disappointed, so I chose people I knew were broken so that maybe out of gratitude they would spare me but they never did. THEY NEVER DID! The only thing that would greet me was a passive and sometimes outright kind of resentment for being the one that could love them despite their flaws. It was like a punishment. Like how dare you see me so clear and try to fix me. I really had no right because the first thing in therapy is to establish that your patient is willing to go through it.
I can recall pushing away beautiful and capable men because I did not know how to fix them and that fear made me think that they could possible hurt me more by playing on an even field.
One day I had to diagnose myself and just stop enabling myself, I didn’t want to look up and realize that I had missed all of their formative years pursuing a mate, that may or may not have even been fully vested in a true companionship because I had to fix something or someone to feel competent.
So the truth is, I could be happy and married with kids instead of a single mom, but I refused to relinquish control because every time I did I was betrayed. You must ask yourself the real questions to get the real answers. And this was what I wanted to finally figure out. Why I had to be in control of everything in order to be in love.
The most interesting thing to me is how we find a way to justify our own blockages. I am coming into a true understanding of divine timing, forgiving myself and finally attending to myself as a whole being, attending to my children before they get older and always remember me being depressed and sad.
Feeling joyful for the things I’m passionate about, my music, my writing, my time and what I do with it. Feeling joyful to have a career that causes me to be free and happy and heal young people in a setting that’s appropriate instead of “bringing my patients home with me,” which was one of the worst things I could have ever done.
I hope this resonates with someone, however, you’re not selfish for loving YOU. Until the right individual come into your life to reciprocate. You don’t have to find a filler until that time. I used to feel uneasy if I wasn’t in a relationship, I felt like It felt to good to enjoy my own company, not have any one to cry or stress about. But the most beautiful thing to do for someone who gives so much to others is to hug yourself and give yourself space to exist on your own terms, so you can work on yourself and when that time comes, the people who are worthy of your energy will see the work you put in to be your truest self.